Thinking about getting pregnant...

“Try to relax and not think about it too much. It's going to work out eventually!” I know, I hear you, but the journey is so hard and I cannot NOT think about it. Here is why: 

Unfortunately, way too many women are going through tough times trying to get pregnant. Especially when they are in their late 30s and early 40s. I know. I’m one of them.

 Hello, my name is Chloe and I’m 39 years old. It took me two years, two miscarriages and one IUI (a fertility treatment, more on IUI and IVF here) to get pregnant the first time. My son’s name is Hugo and he will be turning 2 in August. Fast forward to today.  For over a year now, I’ve been trying to get pregnant for the second time and so far we have already tried 3 cycles of IUI. After going through all of this, I am still thinking about it a lot and hoping it will eventually work out again!

My life now, and for the past few years it seems, evolves around my monthly cycle. Let me describe it in 3 phases: 

• Phase 1: Figuring out when I ovulate.  This means peeing on a little stick in the morning for a few days in a row, to know when we “need” to have sex. Or, when we are going through a new cycle of IUI, understanding which days I will see my doctor, which will be a few times during the month; when to take some pills (hormones) and/or shots (more hormones); and go to the actual IUI appointment. 

• Phase 2: Waiting. The worst part. You wait and over analyze every little abdominal twinge or cramp. I’m thinking “this time I think it worked, I’m feeling that something is happening in my belly”. Let me be clear, the internal scan of your body is happening every day, sometimes multiple times a day. 

• Phase 3: Getting an answer. I already waited for 2 weeks or so, and now it’s time to take a pregnancy test. With COVID all this switched to urine tests even when medically assisted. You have to do the test at home first thing in the morning. Lately, I just do the test, leave it in the bathroom, put on a timer and let my husband check for me.  “I’m sorry honey, it’s negative. I really thought it would work out this time” he says in a soft voice 😢 “It must be wrong” I think, “I felt something in my belly”. Now, I have to wait for my actual period to confirm that it didn’t work out. Of course, it takes its sweet time to show up, just to mess a little more with my head. “I’m really exhausted this month”, I think, “the test has to be wrong”. This part usually takes another 2 to 3 days. When my period does arrive and the warm blood is running through my body, I usually feel so much pain inside. I don’t want it to be here, I want to be pregnant, but I cannot be pregnant it seems. We will have to try at least one more time and be patient, again……. Back to phase 1.

Assuming we didn’t go through this process every 28 days, could we not think about getting pregnant all the time? Very good question.  Well, this is when the outside world comes in: 

• You start hearing comments like: “don’t you want to have kids?”, “don’t you want to be a mother?”, “shouldn’t you be thinking of a little brother or sister for Hugo?”. This happens all the time. People are not intentionally trying to be mean and they have no idea what you are going through. In my head I answer:“yes I do and this is none of your business” or “well, if you need to know, I’m trying really hard to but it’s not working”.

• Also, it is hard to ignore all the beautiful pregnant women you see on the street. To me, these big bellies are a constant reminder that I am not pregnant. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not mad at them, not at all, but I’m a little mad with my body and myself. 

• Noticing a stranger being pregnant is one thing, what about your close friends or worse someone from your own family? I was always able to separate how I felt compared to how happy I was for them. That being said, I have friends that shared with me that it made them cry everytime. I even have a good friend that couldn’t hang out with people that were either pregnant or with young children, until she finally became a mother too. Again, it is nothing against the pregnant woman or child, but it is hard to describe internal mourning. Especially because women rarely share their journey when they announce they are pregnant. Chances are, they also went through a long and difficult phase, but you don’t know that and start judging your own body. 

• Finally, as this process happens and time passes, every birthday is a reminder that the clock is ticking (“bitch!”).

Why is it so hard to get pregnant?

• At birth, women will have their entire lifetime supply of eggs. As women age, the quality and quantity of those eggs begins to decrease. Scary, I know… let’s continue. 

• A woman’s cycle usually lasts 28 days (it can vary from 21 to 35 days). Roughly, at the middle of that cycle, ovulation happens and around it the fertile window only lasts a few days (more here). In reality, the closest you are to ovulation, the more chances you have to get pregnant. So, it means that you roughly have only 13 days a year you can actually get pregnant 🤯. Pre-pandemic, and hopefully soon again, if you and/or your partner were traveling quite a bit, it could considerably reduce your chances. Assuming you are in the same place at the same time, you need to make sure that you are not tired, in the mood, and did not just have a fight with your partner… All these could reduce your chances from 13 a year to maybe only a few. 

• Assuming you did everything right, here are some data on your chances: 

  • On average you only have a 15-20% chance of conception if you are between 25 to 35 years old

  • Women in their 20s have a 78 to 86% chance to get pregnant within 1 year

  • It drops to 63% for women ages 30 to 34

  • Then to 52% for women ages 35 to 39

  • This rate continues to decline in a woman’s 40s

  • 1 in 6 to 1 in 7 couple will have issues conceiving (here)

• If you are medically assisted: 

  • IUI: For IUI, the studies show different rates of success per trial (assume around 15% chance), but the vast majority will happen within 3 to 4 trials with a 90-95% success rate (more here). Reading this gave me a big smile, so see you next round! 

  • IVF: Depending on your age the chances of being pregnant after an IVF transfer ranges from 42% if you are 35 years old or younger, to 36% between 35-37 years old, to 24% between 38-40 and 14% between 41-42  (more here from Cornell University)

• Two more factors to consider. Our generation is the first to have taken birth control for such long periods of time. I had been taking it for 17 years, around half of my life when I stopped. That’s a long period of time when you think about it. I was convinced it had a negative impact on my fertility. It looks like current research shows that it has no impact on fertility. Is that really true, or is that sponsored by pharmaceutical companies? Not clear. 

• Finally, another issue I am actively fighting against: plastic. Research shows that phthalates (found in shampoo, soaps, hairspray, …) and BPA (think plastic bottles, cosmetics packaging, to-go food containers, ...) can have a negative impact on fertility. Living a cleaner lifestyle with less plastics, hence chemicals, could also help you get pregnant faster.  

How can we better cope with the process:

• First of all, know that you are not alone and try sharing your experience with others. That helped me a lot through my miscarriages. As I opened up, people started sharing that it happened to them, their sister or their mother. I realized that I was not the only one. No one had mentioned miscarriages before or the grief that comes with it. When I realized a close friend also had two miscarriages and then got pregnant, it was a big relief. She helped me through the process and shared what she went through personally and with her partner. It gave me hope. Today, I have a few friends that are going through the same infertility ups and downs and some that just have good ears to listen to my problems. Being able to talk to them frequently, without filters, is helping me daily. Having someone to call when my test is negative, means the world to me. You know who you are. Merci! 

• You are not broken! Not being able to get pregnant doesn’t mean something is wrong with you. I was really upset at my body after my miscarriages. I hated that floppy flesh on my belly and didn’t want to take care of myself anymore. It took me a while to like my body again, to start working out and feeling good. This is when I finally got pregnant. Self care is key in my opinion. Take the time you need for yourself. It can be working out, meditating, walking or taking a bath. Whatever this looks like for you, do it! And don’t apologize for it. 

• Take some time off for yourself. Take a vacation or if you can afford it, take a break from work. We are all busy and have urgent matters to address both at work and at home. The truth is though, all that stress doesn’t help you. Personally, I decided to put everything else on hold to focus on getting pregnant. When people ask me what I do, I find it hard to answer that I am trying to have a child. I feel that they will judge me. This needs to stop. It is time we fight to make this decision acceptable. I am putting on pause my entrepreneurial ideas to take care of myself. I started working out and meditating a few times a week. For this, I had to create a support group to feel accountable. I also started shifting my eating habits to eat more veggies and less carbs. If you know me well, you can imagine that it wasn’t easy, but I am trying really hard. “How is all this working out for you?” a few people asked. “Well, I am not pregnant yet, but hopefully I will be soon”. I know this must sound a bit silly, and some people manage to do that while working and having a normal life. I personally couldn't, and I am starting to accept it. I also realize that I am very lucky to have a husband who supports me in this journey, merci mon amour. Deep inside, I feel that when my body and mind will be relaxed, the pregnancy will follow. At least, I am already starting to feel better and liking this new body that I am building slowly and caringly. 

• Seek professional help. Look for a good fertility doctor, try acupuncture (mine is a goddess, I couldn’t go through this process without her), join a support group… do what feels right for you. 

• Lastly, don’t ever feel that you are out of options. If you and your partner cannot get pregnant, remember that other options are available to you (surrogate eggs or mother, sperm donor, adoption, …). Be open to having these discussions. 

Next time you see a friend that is struggling getting pregnant instead of saying “just relax and stop thinking about it” try saying “I'm here for you” or ask “can I support you in any way?”. 

If this is happening to you: Be strong! You can do this. 

Thanks for taking the time to read me today. It helps me to write and share my experience with others. I also want to start a movement where we feel comfortable opening up about these difficult topics. Too many women are going through them in silence. If this touches you in any way, I would love to hear your feedback (good or bad). If you see other platforms having these discussions, feel free to share them as well. I do see momentum building, but we need more voices. You can always reply to this or email me directly at chloe@ancolie.co. 

Let’s Real Talk soon!

Chloe

#ancolienyc #whatsupwithmyuterus #pregnancy #miscarrage #wecandothis #fertilityjourney